WHAT NOT TO DO ON TINDER

It's not every day a girl is greeted by a picture of Phillip aged 30 in full...erm, throttle. But when a single girl like me takes to new social media dating app Tinder to see what all the fuss is about, I'm "lucky" enough to be greeted by not one, but two, penis profile pictures. Ten minutes in. No face. No smile. Just a picture of a penis. And let me tell you, it definitely wasn't cold when these were snapped.

In London everyone seemed to be on Tinder, an app in where you swipe left on a person’s face for a no or right for a yes. If you swipe yes then your face will appear in a line-up for said gent and if he swipes you, then walah! We have a match. Totally shallow but good fun to play with the girls when you're drunk.

Heading back to a city I haven't lived in for a year and being surrounded by friends who are all settled and who would rather be having dinner parties than all night parties, I decided to see what Leeds has to offer. And let me tell you this, it had penis shots and more. Here's what not to do on Tinder.

We've had guys taking pics with children. Fair enough, you've sewn your seed and want to warn me early on.  But for those guys who have children in their profile picture and then state below "Child not mine", then don't. If the first thing you want a potential suitor to see is you with a child which doesn't belong to you, it makes you seem weird. A Jimmy Saville kind of weird.

The guys who take topless pics in the bathroom, a girl will firstly look past your pot belly which should have a t-shirt covering it and head towards to toilet which seems to have forgone the bleach since 1983. Don't underestimate how great females are at taking note of the small things (Phillip 30 I'm obviously not talking to you right now).

Using a picture with a girl who is obviously your ex-girlfriend is weird. It doesn't prove to me you're looking for commitment, it proves you're definitely not over her and I suggest you do a little soul searching before heading back on to the dating scene.

Men who pose with cats or dogs are always going to get a look in, although to the man who posed with his dog topless in bed - what you've just done or are about to do is illegal just so you know. 

And finally to the boys who put up a group picture, I'd say 9 out of 10 times its because you're the shorter one. Not that being short is an issue but don't put a whole host of group pictures up so we have to scroll through them all and find the common denominator, you!

I've seen penises, actor's headshots, torsos, children, ex-girlfriends, a rugby team, quite a few people I went to school with, one person I work with, a guy I'm pretty sure has a girlfriend and the odd guy which makes me think, OK I'll swipe right for you. And a few of them have even swiped right for me. Trouble is, you're in virtual limbo about who is going to speak first. I'm a firm believer that it should be the guy, like it would be if we were out in a bar.

You get a couple of lines to say something about yourself. You know what I put? "I'm guessing I'm supposed to put something profound and interesting here? Ok here goes, I love chicken kievs." Somewhere, someone is writing a male point of view to this, explaining that girls who share a love of delicious garlicky breaded chicken breasts on a dating app are just plain weird. And he'd be right. We are. But we're also just looking for someone to share a two pack of kievs with.