HONEST THOUGHTS OF A SINGLE THIRTY-SOMETHING

Fuck, I need a plus one...

Oh charming, no plus one. They've obviously resigned me to a life of loneliness!

I don't even care about looks anymore...

I don't actually care about much anymore, as long as he's breathing we're cool...

The next time Tracey asks why I'm still single, I swear to all the gods, I'll ask her why she's still fat.

I literally don't care about being in a relationship, I'm a happy, independent woman.

Why am I still single??!!!!!

I'm not even sure I could share my bed with anyone now, just look at how I can starfish!

I need a HUMAN TOUCH!

Should I get another cat?

OK, two cats are enough...

Great, now my last single friend, my last hope of going out on the pull, has met someone. And they seem utterly in love. Selfish...

Maybe I was too harsh dumping (insert name of commitment-phobe who never washed)?

I'm just old school, I want to meet someone the old fashioned way, like getting off with each other in a club.

Do people even go to clubs now?

Where's my nearest "club"?

What the hell do I write on my Bumble profile without sounding like a complete nob head...

Oh great, my age is the first thing he sees. What a piece of shit app.

Stop saying I'm too picky!

This guy's good looking! He's got a cat! Oh wait, he doesn't know the difference between "their" and "there" - next!

Have you signed up for my new monthly interior design magazine, 4?