TEN THINGS GYM NEWBIES DO

1. Check in at the gym on Facebook - if you don't check in, did it ever really happen? Bonus points for sounding like a twat with a status along the lines of "Can't believe how much weight I have to lose for my summer bod" whilst standing in the mirror talking a crop top selfie with six defined abs. If you had that much weight to lose, you'd wear something less revealing. Douche.

2. You'll find any excuse to drop into conversation the pilates class you're going to this evening; "Have I been watching Eastenders? No, but I'd actually miss it anyway tonight as I have a pilates class you see." Douche. 

3. When someone at work mentions going to the gym, you'll instantly bond with them, feeling like you're in the clique which non-gym bunnies are simply not a part of. Douche.

4. The word "core" will be a part of your daily vocabulary. "God, my core really hurts today." "I just really concentrated on my core in last night's session." "You really need to sit up properly if you want a stronger core." Douche.

5. You'll become an expert in trainers all of a sudden, even though pre-gym you didn't even know where the nearest sports shop was. And you only ever used to pick trainers for their colour, not their reviews for indoor running. Douche. 

6. You're goal in life is to be able to do the Plank for longer than your best friend. Friendship turns from doing the plank on a beer garden table whilst your mate snaps it for Facebook, to now seeing who can actually stay up straight, again, using that boring ass "core" you mention daily. Douche. 

7. You'll chuckle smugly to yourself about the sad girls who go to the gym with a face full of make-up. A real work out means getting sweaty. Which is why you only put concealer, eye brown pencil, blusher, tinted lipgloss and waterproof mascara on. Girl, if that's a barely-there natural look, then I'd hate to see you really go to town. Douche.

8. Your Pinterest account turns into a homage to all things "fitspo". You have motivational quotes, motivational pictures, motivational recipes, motivational work out ideas, motivational before and afters. Close the laptop and use that motivation to actually work out. Douche.

9. Even though you've only been to the the gym three times, you'll already know more than most fully qualified instructors. You'll pass this knowledge on to anyone who will listen. Except they're not actually listening to you anymore. They stopped along time ago. Douche. 

10. Finally, you'll be the twat who not only swaps fish and chips for quinoa, but suddenly forgets you actually used to pronounce it KEE-NOO-AA, instead of KEY-NIOR. Massive douche.